Death would be cheaper

A tiny voice far in the back of my head that whispers when I stare at her
Says at least were she to die, I’d lose all regrets thinking up plans of suicide
Says at least were she not here, I wouldn’t lose all money to the vet
Don’t pick her up from her hospitalisation, give up, save up, and don’t pay up
The same tiny voice has said the same of friends before
That if I don’t bother with caring, no need for them to bother crying
Just another intrusive thought, just another way out, but it’s not even easier
Can’t fool me, can’t fool them, can’t fool her – I have love inside to share
But love ain’t a debit card, and the bills, they pile up

At the discount store with a calculator – how to eat every single day twice or thrice or more?
Can I skip meals? It’s hard to work without calories, rationing two plates into three
What of weekends? I oversleep, I’m too tired and I’ve been hungry
No heater, layer those sweaters, but now should I also keep the lights off?
The heart that beats within and keeps on going up to 80, past 80, past 90
What doctor would believe me? Without proof they won’t see, and with it, a diagnosis of anxiety
Not that I’ve insurance to cover for this year yet, not that even with it, I’d be able to stand it
If only for myself, I need a medical-grade ECG, but see those prices?
And the money doesn’t ever come, checking that balance again and again, it only drops
And those results are so poor, losing hopes of securing the job
And what already doesn’t happen will just worsen in the summer
Staring at the cat, at the wrists in the shower, thinking death would be cheaper

I would not be better off, but death would be so much cheaper
I would miss her so much, but death would be so much cheaper
I still want to have fun, but death would be so much cheaper
I love the feeling of hot water, but death would be so much cheaper