Happiness in the winter

I don't know when the last time I have been this happy was. I do recall a similar feeling this summer, but it was mixed with episodes of anxiety, depression and most of all, survival in the close presence of abuse. Autumn has been weird and full of ups and downs. When I moved, for a moment, stressors piled up so high I thought I'd give in, and 2026 made so little sense I briefly considered suicide, only as a thought exercise, I suppose. The comedown from catecholamine-releasing drugs didn't exactly help either, but everything was so overwhelming.

Now, now, there's something very different on my mind. It's too soon, it's way too soon to know where I'll be in months and what I'll do with my life, but I'm in the middle of a transition, the end of my school days. Yet, there's one thing I notice, and one thing I need to do with myself. If, in the past, I would've rather quit competition before it even exists in fear I might fail, then nowadays, I still quit competition when it truly exists, with similar fears, I suppose. But take a good look at me. I might fail, that's for sure, but I can't afford not to try. Who will put faith and trust in myself if I'm not willing to take those steps? I said - for 2026, I'll try processing all it is that has happened as important transitions are happening. But I think that, for 2026, what I need on top of that is to trust I can invest in my own talent, instead of shooting down my own chances.

Having new year celebrations and rituals in the middle of winter makes close to no sense for an idea of renewal. However, if the inherently most dead time of the year is able to see me happier than ever such that I can walk in the 6-PM night as confidently and with the same excitement as I have in the long summer days in the past, then isn't that a great news?

I'm alive. I intend to stay alive. So I have to at least try.