What's my favourite fruit and who the fuck am I?

I don't know what is lately exactly, perhaps a bunch of different stuff that's been driving my anxiety up the walls, but I feel like I'm in such a place where I lost sight of who I am. It's funny because a few different conversations on various topics brought me to think, and reasonably, I've grown up, but I haven't seen myself grow. I called it a mental hypercondensation of a few key points in my life into such separate people that I'm unable to feel the continuity between me myself and I on the inside. There's me as an 8 yo, me as a 14 yo, me as a 21 yo, and I flatten everything around into such tiny states that I lose track of the numerous years that explain the obvious changes of why I wouldn't fucking relate to my teen or child self.

At the same time, I've forgotten. Coming to terms with forgetting is still a mess when I've always been praised for my memory but it's like, I'm human. But it's also horrible because genuinely, oh so genuinely, I don't really remember my mom. In general, it seems I have trouble with keeping track of how I feel about people and how that changes through times. Only untouched texts are able to communicate what I felt. But I've never had the thought of properly writing down all of that, not until basically yesterday, and now I'm left to eternally wonder what I did feel. Did I like mom? And what was she like? I'm a stranger to all of that, save a few specific memories. I miss her, but I don't know her. She cooked, I think. Because sometimes when I have food, it feels familiar in a way I can never understand or remember. I have (had?) "arfid" and was very picky for such a long time I've been underweight all throughout my years as a minor. Somehow, though, it feels like the only times I'd try "risky" food was with her. Today I try so many things. I'm proud of my progress and at the same time everything feels nostalgic.

Either way, here I am, more lost than I've ever been about the likes and dislikes of the self. Not even just about feelings on people, feelings on stuff too. The clearest thing I have right now is the direction of afro-anarchy. Politics, you know. And of course, of course it's super fucking important. But that's not - that's not a person. And I want to try to make more friends again, but as I write this I realise perhaps this has been a big issue because - outside of when something "political" comes up, I don't who the fuck I am. Worse yet, I don't even speak up enough, partly because that's how I've been defending myself and partly because I guess I'm a coward/hypocritical to some extent, and that's something I will fix.

I have a craving for fruits lately. I went to a rock concert too on Hallowe'en and I loved it so much. Is that seriously all I know? I'm able to write those walls of text on gender and whatnot, but if I have a home and time and money this weekend, what do I do? Besides, it's like I need to try everything again, because this motherfucker had this whole persona in every single aspect of life and too much pride/shame to ever go back on ka's word, and when you already have trouble tracking down your own feelings you're left with - uh, I remember saying I liked or didn't like xyz; I don't know if I was lying or speaking from experience.

I have an about section on this very website. Do you know how hard it was to write that "interests" section when I did? I don't know if I even believe what's on there. I definitely don't hate those things. But are they my interests? I fear not currently having my own home doesn't really help either. I also think, I probably need to learn how to let go of things that have been associated with me for good or bad reasons in such a way that it seems like such core traits and yet I don't feel anything about them. That I also need to learn to let go of being too general and accept that sometimes I have some sort of liking for one specific thing and not the superset that defines an entire category. I both need to accept when I don't give a shit, and when I actually do. I probably also need to accept when I really don't care about what a friend likes. Uh, obviously not in a "stop talking to ME i don't give a SHIT" way, I think friends' interests are cute, but like - caring about you talking to me about what you like doesn't mean caring about what you like for myself, you know what I mean?

So, what's my favourite fruit and who the fuck am I?
I wished I'd have answers today, but that's fundamentally just rushing without appreciating. I need to get to know myself again. And that'll be a journey, I suppose.

November 19th
1:18 PM – 1:52PM